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The Burdens We Bear

by Real Ghost

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1.
I’ve been trying to profess my endless torment and fear of being hated, but I get too caught up in the struggle to make sense, the doubt that I will hold when I tell another person that I know I won’t get old. I am surrounded by others all in love, I want to have what they have, but I can’t rise above my undying lack of confidence and patience. I’m just too broken for anyone. I’ve been trying to mend these scars, to seem as if I’m strong. I just don’t want to deceive someone and have them come along. My constant struggle: to be loved or to be safe. I don’t trust myself, but I still trust my faith. I need a sign, God please give me a sign. Send someone to help these aching pains go away for a while. I need some time, I need a break. I just want to fall in love with someone that will make me feel again. Make me feel like I’m safe. Make me feel like I’m not a waste. Show me that there’s better days. Hold my hand when times get tough, or when I lose my place. I need to feel okay.
2.
717 01:45
I’m dying in the place that I ran. I swore I’d start over, but I’m back where I began. Constant pressure to be what I hate, Maybe if I blew my fucking head off, you’d all see your fate. You’re nothing but an enemy that I have learned to love. The type of fucking people that I’ve heard enough from. When will it be clear? When will I make you see that your words have consequences I know you can’t believe. It’s getting hard to live this way, I need to find a place to get away from all you fucking fakes You’re childish. I’m sick of squandering my time just dying when you’re all thriving. It makes me sick. I’ve never been more ashamed than I am in this clique.
3.
If you nail me to this cross, you must display me to anyone and everyone who’s come to hate me. I’ll walk for miles through blood and sweat to change your mind and emphasize my lingering regret. I don’t believe in heroes, or the pedestals you built. It sickens me to see you worship humans without guilt. You will be saved, you will be taken. I have to say you are mistaken. Glory lives in those who trust it, and see the light. You cannot find your salvation when all you see is night. Fake your faith if you dare, he sees it all. When he comes to confront you, I’ll watch you fall. Stop lighting matches that burn your feet, if you want to start a fire, you have to be discreet. You shall not pass. Your soul is broken. When you learn to own up for your faults, these gates will open. This race is damned, this world will meet its end if we don’t stop making Gods out of our fellow man.
4.
Patience 03:25
Show me the way to forgive the ones who’ve damaged me. My bitter heart has given out again. I lack the strength to make this end. Call me when you’ve gotten over it, and we can start again. In this calm before the storm, I’m laying myself out for you to see the common cause of my misery. I love too much and not enough all at once. I make a case for standing straight then crumble to the floor. I fill myself with passion and yet I feel so empty. I can’t decide if I’m weathered or worn out. I can’t fathom a choice I will not doubt. I’m caving in. I’ve lost my way. (x2) I’m caving in. I’d hate to hurt you, but I can care no more. If I ever find myself, it’ll be on the floor. I’m bleeding. I’m bleeding, I’m bleeding out.
5.
Decode 04:06
Give me a sign that things will be okay. I’m sick of feeling so afraid of what I have to say. In my chest, my beating heart’s at rest. I tried to fix this all, but I’ve made a mess. I fell from grace, I am what you detest. Something’s wrong with me. I push away everyone who shouldn’t be. I learn to love, I learn to die. I let go of myself, I didn’t even try. Do you call me by my name, or am I just your past? I should have known, the way I am, that this would never last. It hurts to say it’s me who let this die. I should have been patient, I should have tried to revive. Instead you’re losing sleep because I lost my mind. If it’s any comfort, I still don’t feel alive. Oh god how dare I beg forgiveness. I’m a victim of my love, of my patience. Somewhere along the way, I will smile again. I hope you understand if it’s only pretend. My veins are crumbling, my bones will collapse. By the time I’m done, my time on earth will finally have lapsed. Decode my message, decode my cries. If you are broken, it should be me who dies.
6.
I have screamed my throat raw in these fruitless attempts to convey my frustration Night after night I encounter a similar situation I ponder my role in the misery of others And whether my presence is a catalyst for putting them into the gutter What I’ve said will always haunt me, even the most mundane If I don’t put my brain on autopilot, I’ll drive myself insane I frequently dissociate and lose track of what’s around me For better or for worse, I exist outside of what surrounds me It’s nights like these I feel I won’t get better Or be loved by someone who actually wants to be together To the wife I’ll never meet, The children I’ll never know: I’m glad I never got the chance to destroy you as you grow I don’t mean that physically, I’d never intend harm But simply as a side effect of living, I destroy without alarm I don’t mean to be a bother, and someone will learn to settle For me and all my flaws and the fact that I’m the devil I don’t mean to overstate, but you have to understand My head is filled with other voices who often take command In a way, I have no control over what I do anymore The only thing I can control is strengthening my core Because my outside is crumbling, and soon my heart will fail But if my soul is strong enough by then, I know I will prevail I hope my next chance comes with many fewer flaws So I can learn to love myself before it all goes wrong All I have are words, I weave them on each page But as is the case with every web, The rain takes them away I’ve been downpouring for a while at this point My point is that I’m losing hope and I ache in every joint I do not seek attention, Nor do I seek praise, Simply all I seek along the way is better days I pray to God above that in the end I will find peace But I know that journey will be filled with voices that never cease I’m a poet with an affliction, A lover with a disease, I find it’s so much easier To drown in what I see Immersed by a world I was given Destroyed like child’s play I just hope someday I return to form before I go away.
7.
When words fail me, these lines will let you know that I am nothing more than a seed that cannot grow. I lay dormant in this bed of dirt I made, I wait for the sun to nourish me, but all I know is rain. It’s getting to be a task to stay alive, I’ve replenished my supply, but I know someday I’ll die. The question lingers: will anyone miss me? Have I made a lasting impact or have I been wasting all your time? All your patience? It’s only in my head, that’s what they said. They still left me for dead. They left me out to rot. I believe it’s all a dream, at least that’s what I thought. I refuse to go this way, I refuse to die alone, I know it’s only wishful thinking, I will not change my tone. So let me make it clear: I don’t need help. I’ve settled with myself that I am going to hell. If you truly cared, you should have cared before when I wasn’t on the edge, this close to death’s door. All I can say is I’m sorry. I wish things didn’t have to end this way.
8.
Eidolon 04:35
Existing as a ghost, such a narrow beam of light. I have sunk into the depths, there is no end in sight. With every step I take, I come closer to the edge. Don’t say I never said I’m wrong, don’t say I was never dead. I’m a fake, I’m a fake. I have no place to call my home. I’m awake, I’m awake. I have never felt so cold. These walls are closing in and I am slowly getting old. Please hear me cry, please let this be a dream. I am a lie, these scars will go unseen. But with this knife to my throat, maybe you’ll hear me choke. I regret everything I said, it means nothing now. I was born to make a mess of this, and you’ve seen how. I’m ashamed, I’m ashamed. I am a fucking hoax. I’m to blame, I’m to blame. I’ve never taken notes. It’s all my fault, I ruined this. With my heart in my hand, I just hope this all makes sense. I am a failure. I am a ghost. I’m haunting myself, it’s what I hate the most. If you never hear my voice ever again, I just want to say I’m wrong, and this will be my end. I make no peace with how this came to be. I let you leave. You will never love me. I let these bridges burn. I am so ashamed. When the ashes cool, I will always be to blame.
9.
I’m going for the throat. I won’t waste my time. I’ve got something to rid myself of, to put on the line. I won’t mince words, I can’t hold back. Every day, all I do is doubt myself and I’m starting to lose track. I refuse to keep on trying when I have what you lack. I wish I could change, but this is who I am. I love too hard, I’ll die too young, but I will never end. If what I have is not enough, then I hope you find someone whose love will never be a bluff. Good luck. I don’t need to struggle, wondering if I’m worth your time. When it all comes back to hit you, I’ll be just fine. You want, not need. You cry, not bleed. If things were as hard as you make them seem, then you would cease to breathe. Don’t lie to me. Your problems are self-made, and you know it’s due to greed. Just give me space, give me time to think. You took me to the edge of life, you brought me to the brink. I don’t need to give in. I don’t need to quit. My purpose in this life is to climb out of this pit.
10.
i ache for an unattainable love i am certain that in the years to come, i will only hear echoes of the love that never was to feel wanted without obligation is all i seek but of all the ghosts that plague me, yours left me the most weak swept underneath the rug and buried no hymn to sing as i go to rest i swear i’ll find somewhere to lay myself under less duress it’s such a shame how fleeting a moment is when eternity crashes down on me and it’s all happening it’s all happening too quickly for me to breathe but instead of dwelling in a place that i know breeds my worst rage i’ll settle the score by moving forward and seeking better days i’m in a daze, i’m in a cage but despite this i’m amazed by my own resilience and ability to stand above the craze i’m making waves out of puddles, tornadoes out of wind tunnels it’s all left me befuddled but i’ll try not to stutter choking on these words as confident as i seem i seem to have encountered a seam within a dream and i tear it from its hinges, born to knock down doors forget forging a key, this lock is at our core we break apart hatred, wake up and never cave in never follow another’s footsteps, but focus on what you’re making if hatred comes naturally, consider me atypical while rooting through the dirt, I found that hate is physical so i lifted myself up high into the clouds only to find that patience will always outweigh doubt and i trust in what is not tangible, believe it’s all so real but if you never find the time to struggle you’ll never learn to feel i doubt that this makes sense, instead i’ll sum it up if love is such a burden then bear it we all must but if hatred is a byproduct then simply wipe the dust move on to be better be strong for all of ever we’ll never keep moving if connections continue to sever be clever, be kind be patient, be wise nothing ever comes without fighting but war is not worth your time.
11.
In this grave hour, I have composed our final song: The last words of our love lost. I called your hands home for years, for years, for years, for years on end. It’s become distant and I hate my helpless defiance. You have no problem finding me, Although you only commit unintentionally. I do it for the Lord, I do it for Chicago. I once lived for you, and I’ve never ever been so wrong. We keep building, building to find no release.
12.
Overbearing 03:14
I’m giving up on life. I can’t keep going. I’ve said too many times: the pain keeps growing. If it gets better, then I’m impatient. I’ve given it the time it needs, now I’m done waiting. Gun to my head, make it all go away. I can’t accept another chance at another day. Goodbye, fake friends. Goodbye, false hope. If we meet again someday, I hope you’ll help me cope. God knows you all failed. God knows it’s my fault. Maybe when I walk another path, my wounds won’t fill with salt. I’m putting this to rest for once and for all. You’ll never have to think of me or my faults. Just let me go. Wish me off into the void, I know you won’t shed a tear as I am destroyed. I hope what’s on the other side is better than what’s here. I hope that God forgives me for giving in to fear.

about

Throughout the fall of 2015, I experienced what can only be described as a set of some of the more turbulent emotional experiences I've been through in my life. I experienced a strong recurrence in my desire to commit suicide, a lack of faith in myself, and a complete distrust in others that culminated in a near complete loss of my sanity. Those trials and tribulations were all funneled into this new LP, which I've titled The Burdens We Bear as a tribute to my survival, and more specifically, into what I believe are the most personal lyrics I've ever written in my life. After I wrote the Panic EP, I felt an insatiable desire to continue advancing my penchant for strong lyricism and, after writing a collection of poetry for a college project, I set my focus on creating something that I could be proud of. I believe I've done that. Thank you for listening.

credits

released January 14, 2016

Instrumentals (except on tracks 6, 10, and 11) by Sam Whitaker (www.youtube.com/user/SamwhitakerMusic)
(soundcloud.com/samwhitaker)

Vocals by Carl Schulz
Lyrics (except on track 11) by Carl Schulz

Instrumental on track 11 by The Devil Wears Prada (M. Hranica, J. DePoyster, A. Trick, C. Rubey, D. Williams, J. Baney)

Lyrics on track 11 by M. Hranica

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